Project Kindness (Day 34)

My heart is heavy. Baby Noah passed away this afternoon. I hear he was surrounded by his loving parents, his twin brother, and his dog. I hear he was comfortable and in no pain. I hear that his mom and dad have been brave throughout this unimaginable ordeal and were at peace with Noah’s transition from this world to the next. I cannot stop thinking about him. About them. About the whole awful awfulness. Other than offering my constant thoughts and prayers, there is little more that an acquaintance like me can do to help diminish the pain of this family. There are so many others, like me, who desperately want to make things better, but that’s really silly, isn’t it? There is nothing that we can do to lessen the blow, to heal the wound, to turn back time. The love of family and the passage of time are probably the only things that will eventually swing the pendulum of suffering the other way. Words really do fall short.

With this grief weighing so heavy on me (and all of us who knew of Baby Noah), I wanted to do something to help some baby, somehow. Something that was actually within my power. I wanted to offer something life affirming. Something that is tangible and vital and nourishing. When I thought of my own babe, I was reminded of the one thing I knew I could offer to her upon her own recovery from cancer that immediately started the healing process for both of us. I gave her my milk. Of course, it was more than just the milk. It was the bonding that goes along with it. The eye gazing, the skin-to-skin contact, the snuggling. The indescribable relief. For me, being able to provide that nourishment to my daughter, both physically and emotionally, was exactly what I needed to feel like I was contributing to her recovery. And that’s when it hit me. I could do the same for another child. Well, not all of it, but provide the milk at least.

I have had a little experience with this type of donation in the past. Just over a year ago, a lifelong friend of mine was blessed with the unexpected opportunity to adopt a newborn baby boy. She is as good a mama as there ever was. I had more milk stored in my freezer than I had mouths to feed. I offered. She accepted. He is a very healthy, happy, much-loved (almost) toddler today.

I don’t know of any adopted newborn babies this time around, so I knew exactly who to ask for help. When I was pregnant with Mary Hazel, I wanted to try my hand at a natural childbirth experience. With the twins, I had the dubious distinction of delivering Charlie the “traditional” way and Poppy via emergency c-section. Long story. With Mary Hazel, I had a hard time finding a doctor who would allow me the trial of labor. They wanted to schedule me for a c-section right after they confirmed my pregnancy. I didn’t like that. Not a bit. I started Googling and asking around and seeking alternatives. That’s when I found the great, the wise, the Super Doula, Julie. It was through my relationship with her that I started really believing I could have the birth experience I wanted to have. I even signed up for her Hynobabies class where I learned techniques for interpreting pain as pressure and trained my mind to only have positive associations with my birthing time. I must admit, I was a little skeptical in the beginning. It sounded too good to be true. However, I knew from personal experience (i.e. I was hypnotized several times to hilarious effect in college), that I was very open to the power of suggestion. I went for it. Lo and behold, it worked! I arrived at the hospital in full transition and delivered sweet Mary Hazel just a few minutes later (while holding squeezing the ever-living life out of the hand of another friend and doula). It was all I could have hoped for and more. The point of this story is that Julie is good people. She helps mamas. She guides them. She wants them to be successful and happy and empowered. I knew she could help me again. I asked her if she happened to know of a local mom and baby who might be in need of breastmilk donations. When she returned my e-mail just a few minutes later with a hearty ‘yes!’, it seemed like it was meant to be. I contacted the mama and within an hour’s time, we had worked out most of the details. Since I am a (clears throat) rather busy person these days, I didn’t want to overextend myself. We agreed to a few ounces a day with a delivery once a week. Her husband works down the street from my house. It was a match made in Heaven.

I am under no illusion that I am saving anyone’s life. I know that I cannot cure cancer. I know that Baby Noah was dealt an incredibly unfair hand that nobody could change. I’m still plenty sad and know that I will not soon forget how this experience has made me feel. I do feel hopeful, though, that when we feel our lowest, we can still offer someone something of value. Something that might very well be perceived as a blessing. And I do believe that is what this ‘paying it forward’ thing is all about.

Project Kindness (Day 29)

Who says you can’t find a lasting, meaningful relationship on craigslist? It was New Year’s Eve 2007 when I answered an ad that changed my life for the better. It was titled “Fun, creative person seeks kids to play with!”‏. There was a picture of a nice lady sitting on a bear statue at the local zoo. It was love at first sight. I needed a part-time nanny for my 18-month-old twins and she needed a way to spend her time since she was new to the area. A match made in heaven. Lou has been with us ever since. Well, there was a brief hiatus between the ages of 3 and 4. A sabbatical if you will. But other than that, she has been with us through potty training, the “terrific twos”, and the first day of Kindergarten. She has taken my kids to every park in town, every McDonald’s with a play structure, and the mall playground more times than I can count. I never worry that the children will be bored. On rainy days, she used to take them to thrift stores and let them cram as many toys as they could into a sack to bring home and play with until the sun came back out. Lou is a professional musician and introduced music to the kids when they were all spongy.

Ain't she cool?

One time I came home earlier than expected and heard them performing an opera they composed earlier that day. A couple of  times she has recorded Charlie and Poppy singing – in a real recording studio. (Great Christmas presents, by the way.) She puts on plays, coordinates dance contests, and often comes to work in character. Chip Chip the Penguin is an all-time favorite. Because of her resourceful nature, I don’t have to worry about every little detail. In fact, during her very first day on the job, I somehow left her alone with twin toddlers and not a single diaper in the whole house! I realized this when I got to work. When I called to panic, she calmly replied, “Well I just used a hand towel and some safety pins. We’re good here.” I fell more deeply in love. More recently, she was on call when I was great with child. I was two weeks overdue with Baby Bug and we were all waiting as hard as we could for some change in my status. When the time finally came, Lou was my first phone call. I was using all the tools I learned in my Hypnobabies training classes (thanks Julie!) when Lou arrived. It was not immediately obvious to any of us that I was this close to transition. For some reason, I thought it was a good time to be baking cookies for the nurses when my “pressure waves” were right on top of each other. I remember Lou putting a gentle but firm hand on my back and instructing me to “Get thee to a hospital…now.” She stayed with the twins and I delivered Baby Bug 25 minutes later. Lou was one of the few people who predicted Bug would be a girl. She welcomed Mary Hazel to the fold and has been helping me take care of her since she was a few months old. Lou was a hero again last summer when we got the dreaded diagnosis. During the helter-skelter rush of that first day, she stayed at my house all day with Charlie and Poppy while we rushed to the hospital with the baby. She held down the fort and maintained her composure so well, the older kids never knew anything was amiss. She is a rock. I could go on and on, but the point is that she deserves lots of kindness. I don’t take her presence for granted one second. I know taking care of other people’s kids can be a tough gig – even on the best days. Taking care of them on the days when they are tired, hungry, argumentative, inattentive, lethargic, and less than angelic is a true testament to her dedication (and stubbornness). If this were a marriage, she would definitely get credit for the whole “For better or worse, In sickness and in health” bit. If money were no object, I would have booked her the first flight to Austin, Texas for the SXSW music festival last week. Or maybe I would have sent her back to Liverpool for some more Beatles worship. Or maybe I would become her full-time patron so she could just write her music, play her bass, and sing her songs. Alas, the only kind things I can do for Lou are mostly symbolic of greater gestures. 

Today I mostly just wanted Lou to feel appreciated. I left her a gift card for her favorite local coffee establishment (and a lottery ticket). She found the little package before I could scoot out of question-asking distance. I told her it was for her as I walked away. Wouldn’t you know that when I got in my car later today, that rascal had left the gift card there. Just to be sure that I one-upped her with kindness, I took her car to the gas station and filled it up and returned it to her without letting her know. I think the sneaky acts are the most fun.  

Thank you, craigslist, for bringing Lou to us. Couldn’t imagine our family without her.

Just for fun, here are a few of the bands Lou plays with. Check them out. Love them. Wasted Wine, The Ragged Orchids, and Little Soul.